Tali Falls, Shepard Snaps
by Thaeonblade
Summary: He tried to do things right and now the woman he loved was broken in mind and spirit. Because she was suffering for someone else's mistake...just as he had for this entire war. But enough was enough! Paragon to Renegon M Shepard; Past romance with Ashley; alternate continuity for the latter half of ME3 and some changes in the story and squad itself.
1. Precipice on Rannoch

**Rannoch**

_Shepard-Commander, the Geth only acted in defence after the Creators attacked. Do we deserve death?_

_Our fleet is attacking! Shepard! You can't choose the Geth over my people!_

_Do you remember the question that caused the creators to attack us, Tali'Zorah? Does this unit have a soul?_

_I beg you...please..._

_We regret the deaths of the creators...but we do not see an alternative._

"No..nobody else dies today." Damian Shepard declared, "Tali! Patch me through to the fleet."

"Upload Progress...40%"

"All ships. This is Commander Shepard. The Reaper is dead. Stand down." Shepard ordered the quarian fleet in orbit, "The geth are about to return to full strength; if you keep attacking, they'll wipe you out."

"This is Admiral Tali'Zorah, Shepard speaks with my authority."

"And mine as well." Admiral Zaal'Koris added from somewhere on the fleet, "Listen to him Gerrel-"

"NO! Keep firing! We have a chance!" Damian's teeth grit as he heard that war-hungry idiot continue with his plans, "All fleets! Continue the attack!"

"Nothing ever changes does it..." Shepard muttered to himself, "I know that you despise the geth, but let me tell you something. If you don't listen to me...you're not the only one who will pay the price. A few years ago, I saved you from the geth at the Citadel. Just recently I helped you take out that dreadnought. But I'm through saving you. If you keep attacking, I will stand and watch as the geth lay you to waste."

"60%"

"Shepard..." Maybe he scared Tali with his threat, Damian knew how much she loved her people. But the situation was really out of either of their hands...all Shepard could do now was appeal to the quarian's reason.

With the Truth.

"Your entire history is you trying to kill the geth!" Shepard stated, "All the Geth have wanted to do is exist as themselves without outside interference. But you wouldn't allow that would ya? You forced them to rebel and it cost you your homeworld; When you destroyed their megastructure, that forced the geth to ally with the Reapers and it's cost the lives of thousands of your people!; And now you want to continue down this path...a path that will lead to the destruction of your people!" The geth don't want to fight you! If you believe that for just one minute, this war will be over!"

"Progress...80%"

"You have a choice. Please...Keelah se'lai." Shepard ended his transmission and waited for a reply. Nearby, Tali stood completely still watching the skies as Legion continued to upload the code and suddenly stopped, "Legion?"

"Upload Software inefficient..." Legion stated while Shepard and Tali quickly realized what that would mean, "Direct Dissemination...required. I must go to them."

"Legion...the answer is yes."

"I know Tali...and thank you...both of you," Damian felt another wound strike his soul as another friend died before his eyes, "Keelah se'lai." Legion's body deactivated, fell to his knees and slumped upon the soil of Rannoch with the sunset gleaming upon his armor.

Then a gunshot echoed through the comm.

"No..." Tali muttered as the comm echoed the sound of Admiral Kolis gasping for air before a bullet broke the glass of his helmet and he breathed no more, "Please...no..."

"That's what happens to geth lovers and traitors..." Admiral Gerrel declared over the comm as Damian wordlessly listened on, "Rannoch is the home of the quarian people and we will not surrender it to the geth! All ships open fire on the Geth or be fired upon!"

"YOU IDIOTS STOP!" Tali tearfully screamed as a Geth Prime approached from the surrounding hills, "Why...why won't they listen..."

"Tell your admiral to cease his attack and your people will be welcome to return to Rannoch with us. Admiral Zorah." The Geth stated as Tali shook in place, "If not, then we will have no alternative but to retaliate in self-defense."

"Shepard please..." Tali begged the Commander, who stood by and looked upon the Geth's face, "They are my people..."

"You and Shepard-Commander provided them an alternative and they have refused. We will allow your people one last chance to cease their attack."

"I'D SOONER BURN RANNOCH THEN LET IT BE SHARED WITH THE GETH!" Gerrel shouted from Tali's Omni-Tool and was joined by the shouts of many supporters, "We will destroy them or be destroyed by them! KEELAH SE'LAI!"

"KEELAH SE'LAI!" The Quarian fleet shouted in unison as the battle was officially rejoined. Already Tali and Shepard could see the skies of Rannoch ablaze with the fires of war.

"So be it." The Geth Prime acknowledged and turned to Shepard, "Once the battle is concluded, we will help you in your War against the Reapers and in the building of the Crucible."

"Once it is concluded...Shepard stop them!"

"How?" Shepard asked, finally turning to Tali with hardened regret, "I tried to save them from the Geth and the Reapers...but I can't save them from themselves."

"The Counterattack has already begun." The Geth Prime stated as Tali looked to the sky, "We regret the destruction of the Creators...but they have left us no other alternative.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

As Admiral Gerrel had proclaimed, the Quarian-Geth War would end upon that day in orbit above Rannoch.

However, it would end quicker than he may have hoped.

The Geth Fleet was relentless and merciless in their counterattack. Their upgrades from the Reaper Code restored their programming potential to limits that surpassed their capabilities before the Megastructure was destroyed. Frigates carefully coordinated to divert the fire of heavy ships as dreadnoughts concentrated fire on the capital ships of the Quarian Fleet.

The first ship to be destroyed was the Neema upon the vanguard of the fleet. It's defenses were quickly hacked by Geth hoppers that boarded the hull of the ship and sabotaged the weapons capabilities of the ship. Soon afterwards, the hoppers self-destructed and left the ship vulnerable to assault from a nearby dreadnought. Admiral Gerrel sat in the Captain's chair and aimed a pistol at his head.

He then pulled the trigger seconds before the Neema was obliterated.

The Shellen attempted to abandon the battle as soon as Admiral Koris was executed for treason and the fleet's lines crumbled. But they had left too late, two frigates quickly targeted their systems and fired a pair of EMP pulses at the ship. Once to disable it's shields and the other to disable all systems aboard the ancient ship. Satisfied, the frigates returned to the battle and left the remaining passengers and crew of the Shellen to gasp and suffocate within the crippled ship that would soon be their grave.

The Moreh desperately fought to allow other ships to escape. Admiral Xen wept even as she watched her people cry out on every comm channel and then were silenced ship by ship, link by link. All while she was powerless to stop it. When a single torpedo broke into the command deck of the ship, she did not cry out. She held out her arms to embrace it.

To embrace the sweet release of death.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"This is the Rayya! We are going down! I repeat we are-" Tali shook as the flaming hull of her birthship crashed into the seas of her people's homeworld and soon after came the debris of many other ships.

Her people were dying.

"Shepard..." She removed her mask from it's place on her helmet and turned to face the man she had loved. She then held out her arms and fell backwards off of the cliff overlooking the waters.

"Tali no!" Shepard shouted and leapt for her with his hands outstretched, a blue light emitting from his eyes as Tali felt her mind go completely black...

* * *

**Med Lab, Normandy**

"Doctor! She's waking up!" She heard someone shout, her eyes adjusted to the light within the room while she breathed, "Come on Tali!"

"Ashley?" Tali inquired, her right arm felt as though it were heavily weighed down as she saw the recently made spectre, "Ashley...where am I?"

"You're on the Normandy..."

"Shepard...where is Shepard?"

"I'm here Tali." She saw Damian sit up from a nearby chair, looking as though he had not slept for days, "How are you feeling-"

"Where are they?" Tali inquired, memories of the Rayya crashing into Rannoch now flooded her mind, "Where are my people?"

"Tali..." Shepard grimaced and grabbed her left hand as Tali waited for him to explain, "You were there...you know what happened."

"The Geth...destroyed them..." It was coming back to her now. Hearing Shepard implore the Admirals to cease their attack, Legion sacrificing himself to upload the Reaper code to his people, Watching Admiral Gerrel renew the attack on the geth...seeing the newly upgraded Geth wipe the quarians from orbit with graceful efficiency that was both breath-taking and horrific to witness, "Because...you let them..."

"Tali...I told them what would happen-"

"AND YOU STOOD BY AND DID NOTHING!" Tali shouted, grabbing Shepard's neck with her right arm on reflex. The very act brought her attention to why her arm seemed so much heavier than it should have been, "Shepard...is that..."

"You lost your arm when-"

"Ash...me and Tali need to be alone." Shepard didn't even give a glance to the Lieutenant Commander before he repeated his request more firmly, "Now."

"Alright...Skipper..." Ashley agreed and passed by Chakwas on her way out, "Make sure that they don't kill each other."

"No promises dear," Karen Chakwas agreed as Ashley left the room, leaving the doctor to face the eyes of a broken and angry quarian whom she had known for three years, "Tali...what do you remember about what happened on Rannoch?"

"The death of my people...isn't that enough?" Tali asked and looked upon the synthetic arm that had been grafted to her right shoulder, "What is this thing?"

"It belonged to Legion and it was the only way to keep you from bleeding to death." Shepard answered regretfully, practically failing to hold back the tears building in his eyes, "I thought that I was going to lose you..."

"You were...you didn't want to let me go..." Tali replied, now recalling why her mask was gone and the events surrounding the requirement of a replacement arm, "Why Shepard?"

"I should ask you the same thing." Damian replied, "I saved your life."

"You didn't save my life...YOU TOOK AWAY MY RIGHT TO DIE AND LEFT ME AS A FREAK!" Tali roared, heavily breathing and seeing that under the sheets, she was no longer wearing the enviro-suit that marked her as a quarian, "Shepard...I wanted to die with my people and you wouldn't let me! You choose to take away my free will and took away my arm!"

"Really? You thought that you had the right to die because things didn't work out the way that you wanted them to?" Damian asked and grabbed Tali's prostetic, "You see this arm? This is a consequence of your inability to make the right choice! You didn't have to try and commit suicide, but you did anyway! You tried to take your life knowing what it would do to the team...what it would do to me. We need you...I need you and you wanted to leave us! I wasn't going to let that happen!"

"That's not your choice to make-"

"As the Captain of this ship, I'm responsible for everyone on it." Shepard interjected and continued to scowl as Tali broke down, weeping with her left hand upon her face, "I'm sorry about your arm...and I'm sorry about your people. But I'm tired of taking the heat for everyone's mistakes. That arm was the only thing that would fit as a prosthetic and without it...you would have died..."

"You...could find someone else-"

"I don't want anyone else."

"I want nothing..." Shepard's jaw gaped while Tali stared upon her right arm, "There's nothing for me Shepard...nothing to live for...nothing to fight for...nothing to even die for...you should have let the waters of Rannoch take me..."

"I didn't though and that's the end of that!" Shepard shouted feeling anger rise within him as he turned from the bed, "Make sure she's monitored 24/7."

"Yes Shepard." Dr. Chakwas agreed as Shepard stormed out of the med-bay, "The Commander was more harsh than he should have been...but it's only because he cares about you-"

"And I care for nothing..." Tali muttered, "You should just let me die.."

"As a doctor, letting you die would be against my profession." Karen answered and prepared a sedative to put Tali back to sleep, "You're on suicide watch in any case dear...don't waste your energy on the attempt. You need it for rest."

"So I can live for nothing?"

"No...I suppose that you will have to find a new reason to live." The doctor pointed out and fed the sedative into the mourning quarian, "Or remember the reason you had before your grief buried it."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Still leaning against next to the med bay window, Shepard appeared as though he felt nothing.

A mask to hide the storm within his mind.

"How is she?" Ashley asked as the mask gave way for a moment. A scowl empowered by years of pain and hardship peeked out from the cracks and hissed at her, "Is she upset-"

"Her people were just wiped out, what do you think?" Shepard coldly replied before his mask returned, "She needs time to sort herself out and to get used to that arm."

"The Geth arm..." Ashley remarked, "How do you know that the Geth won't try to take her over with it? Or that they won't send a virus-"

"That arm belonged to a friend in case you're forgetting." Shepard pointed out to Ashley, not in the mood to tolerate any disrespect to a fallen friend, "If there's anything left of Legion in that arm, it wouldn't do a thing to harm Tali. In any case, it was the only way to counteract the infection from her fall."

"When she lost her arm?"

"I tried to stop her at the last minute...but she got her leg caught on the cliff..." Shepard explained, "The blood loss made her lose consciousness and the wound was infected. The only way to save her was to remove the arm and graft Legion's arm onto her shoulder. The Geth donated a few programs into the "bloodstream" of the arm...removing any trace of the infection from her body..."

"Are they still there?"

"They've bolstered her immune system...a lot of stuff about mimicking diseases and bacteria...but it worked...why do you think she didn't have her suit?" Shepard inquired as Ashley scoffed, "Speak your mind Williams."

"Fine." Ashley agreed, "Can you really trust the Geth? With Tali or the War? How do you know that they won't turn on us the moment that the Victory Fleet shows any weakness?"

"The Geth only fought with the reapers out of desperation, to fight off the quarians and if they wanted to...they could have blasted us before we even left the system. But they have no reason to betray us, as long as we don't give them one."

"You sure about this-"

"For once in your damn life...can you TRUST ME!" Shepard shouted, startling Ashley and earning glances from various crew members, "I understand your personal history with the geth...but damn it Ash! I know what I'm doing! And in case you've forgotten, there's reapers out there wiping out any life that they can find!"

"Alright...but what if you're wrong?" Ashley asked, "Remember what I told you about the Council and how the Alliance should be able to stand up for itself? What did the Council do when you told them about the Reapers? They left you in the dark and didn't lift a finger to help Earth."

"Good Call Ash...I'll give you that one." Shepard offered with a nod, "But that doesn't change that was their call and not mine. When have any of my calls gone wrong like that?"

"Working with Cerberus wasn't one of your better moves..."

"But it was necessary and it worked." Ashley was dangling close to an issue between them that Shepard didn't care to address at that moment. The reason for the friendly silence between them on most occasions. While looking for another topic, an idea popped into Shepard's mind, "EDI! Call the squad down to the crew lounge...I need to be clear with everyone about the near-future."

"Understood Shepard."

"I can't do anything about it, but I don't trust the Geth." Ashley stated and looked towards the Med Lab, "I heard Javik's story about the Zha'til...how do you know that they won't do the same to her?"

"You really can't trust me...can you?"

"Good question...I thought I could but now...I don't know Shepard." Ashley shook her head and went to the Memorial in the hall, "For what it's worth...Kaidan would have trusted you..."

"Kaidan's not here though...you are." Shepard didn't mean for it sound harsh, but the raw emotion within his soul was beginning to weigh on him. He exhaled and took a chair at the lounge table, "I'm tired..."

Tired of doing the right thing and being spat in the face for it.

Tired of being betrayed and abandoned by those who should support him.

Tired of being railroaded into accepting things.

Tired of facing the consequences for the mistakes of dumbasses like the Council and Admiral Gerrel.

Tired of seeing friends and loved ones suffer and die because of those mistakes.

Tired of having those dreams with that stupid child running away from him.

Tired of knowing that the reapers would take advantage of every failure.

He was chosen as a Paragon of humanity...a shining example of honor and nobility in the face of danger and duty.

But if that Paragon was ever truly there, he died along with the Will of Miss Vas Normandy.

Now all that was left was the true Shepard, the part of himself that he had left behind with his past as an Earthborn Drifter. Just like he had severed ties with an absentee father or an unstable mother. He molded himself into the Paragon in an attempt to distance himself further from that part of Damian Shepard. Even his last name was truthfully his Middle Name to replace a Surname that had been forgotten.

Becoming a War Hero could not erase the shadow of his true self.

Nor could the love of Ashley Williams while it was there.

Nor could the support and friendship of his crew and squad.

Nor his accomplishments as the Paragon Shepard.

The Shadow remained.

Now it was dominating his features, his mind and his very soul. Because Shepard didn't have any reason to fight it. He would use it, shape it, and harness it as the sword with which he would destroy the Reapers.

Along with anyone who stood in his way.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Tali falls and Shepard snaps**

**To be completely honest, I'm using this story as a way of channeling all of my remnant rage concerning the ME3 ending fiasco into something positive. A year ago, I said that the EC fixed the ending enough to make it acceptable.**

**That's really only in relative terms.**

**For what it was, it was good. But it left glaring plot holes that were easy enough to fix...for instance how the Star-Child's very presence contradicts the entire main plot of the first Mass Effect game. Whenever I try to have a civil conversation with other fans on the forums about this...at best I'm told to shut up and at worst, I'm baited into a rage contest..**

**I won't bore you with the numerous reasons why the ending sucks, so I'm just going to quote UnderstatedNerdRage. Since the ending to ME3 as established by the EC makes no sense and violates the narrative cohesion, genre and central conflict of the entire trilogy, we're free to make up our own ending. Mod it, write it, think it and put it into your headcannon...because whatever you think up will be just as valid as the canon ending.**

**This story is going to lead up to my legit ending. No matter how geniunely bad that it is...it will remain just as valid as ME3.**

**But enough about the ending! Why did I start this story?**

**To explore three questions: What if Admiral Gerrel had continued the attack despite Shepard's pleas and warnings? What if Shepard had saved Tali from her suicide? How would the resultant emotional fallout affect the two of them, their relationship or their interactions with others for the latter half of ME3?**

**Let's take a look, shall we?**


	2. LIne in the Storm

**Copyright: ****I own nothing.**

* * *

**Crew Lounge, Normandy**

"Shepard..." The only time that Garrus had ever seen Shepard like this three times in his life. One was after Virmire when Kaiden had died; the Second was Horizon involving the friendly distance between Williams and Shepard; and the last was during the Suicide Mission with the deaths of Samara, Zaeed, Jacob and Thane.

It was a mask that attempted to hide a feeling of complete and utter failure with minimal success.

"I am sorry for what happened to her and her people...but perhaps your actions are interfering with natural selection..." STG Captain Padok Wiks remarked sympathetically, "The Quarians were given adequate reasoning to halt their assault but they refused. Perhaps their extinction at the hands of the Geth was destined..."

"Genocide is never natural...the geth did not have to go this far." Liara countered, "They destroyed fleeing Civilian ships and tore apart vessels that had surrendered!"

"Destroy all loose ends, the geth have reason to believe that quarian survivors wouldn't attempt to reignite the war one day." Miranda Lawson added, "The quarians were given a chance to end the conflict and refused. So...the geth ceased their own opportunity."

"It is a mistake to allow the machines to live." Javik remarked distastefully, "I will not disagree with the beliefs of the quarian admiral. Machines cannot be trusted, even if his actions were laughable."

"If they weren't strong enough to last a day, what good would they be against the reapers?" Grunt asked with a laugh before being faced with an angry Liara, "Just asking that's all."

"An entire species was wiped out in the span of a day! You think that's funny?" Liara demanded, the aura of her biotic power covering her body as Grunt dared her to make the first move, "I suppose that makes the Genophage the joke of the century-"

"IF'S ITS A FIGHT THAT YOU WANT-" Both Liara and Grunt suddenly stopped in place while Shepard's eyes glowed with an ominous blue light. They both sat down just before Shepard's eyes returned to normal and left the krogan and shadow broker completely confused, "Eh...what happened?"

"I don't remember...we were about to fight and then..."

"I stopped you." Damian spoke, bringing his squad's attention to where he leaned back in his seat, "I've already got one irreplaceable friend in the med bay, I'm not in the mood for another. Save it for after the reapers are dead."

"Sorry Shepard...I'm just itching for a fight..."

"You'll get one Grunt." Damian replied to the Krogan's grin and addressed Liara, "The extinction of the quarian race is unfortunate...a lot of people died when they didn't have to. But they made their choice after we had done everything that we could to diffuse the situation. If they wanted to turn their ships into oversized coffins, so be it. I'm done."

"Shepard...perhaps you should retire to the Captain's quarters." EDI recommended, "Your refusal to sleep since Tali was brought to the Med Bay may place you there yourself."

"Thanks EDI, I will sleep...but only after I've gotten this off of my chest." Shepard said and stood up from his chair, "While I was in the Med Bay...watching Tali recover...I had a lot to think about. I thought about why she was in there...that she was the last quarian alive in known space...that she had worked her whole life for the sake of her people and when given a chance to reclaim their homeworld...they pissed away the opportunity and choose death instead. That's going to scar her for the rest of her life...she may never recover and that's unfortunate...because she doesn't deserve it."

"She didn't order the fleet to keep firing and she'll have to suffer the consequences for their actions anyway...just like us." Shepard continued, surveying the squad to ensure that everyone was paying attention to his words, "Some of you have only come under my command recently...some were with me during the Omega Run and a few have been at my side since I became a Spectre. You've seen what I've seen...you knew that the reapers were coming and the Council never listened. They had three years to prepare for their arrival...three years since Sovereign's attack and they sat on their high chairs...ignorant of what was coming and even when the reapers came...they refused to aid me...they just sat in the Citadel...fiddling their fingers while Earth burned and Paleven soon afterwards."

"So we've had to pick up the mess that they've left. We've had to pay the price for their failures...and a lot of us have died because of it." Shepard motioned to his right where the Memorial Wall stood in the middle of the hall, "Sometimes it feels like they just keep spitting on the graves of our fallen comrades, doesn't it? Jacob would be spinning in his grave if he knew what Cerberus had become; Samara would be offended about the asari's councilor's refusal to join the Krogan-Turian Summit; and Zaeed would call them all fucking pussies."

"Then light them on fire with his cigar..." Garrus added as Grunt chuckled and Miranda gave a light smile, "The ship was a lot quieter without him around...or Thane all things considered..."

"They gave their lives to save the galaxy and the galaxy pissed on their tombstones..." Shepard continued, "Mordin died because the salarians refused to let up on the Genophage Cure...Kirrahe died to convince the Council to help with the Crucible...the prothean survivors gave their lives to give our cycle time to prepare for what was to come...and we did nothing..."

"Javik, you once asked me why the warnings in the beacons were ignored and I told you that it was because they were hard to understand." Shepard explained, addressing the Last Prothean, "When I really think about it...that's no excuse."

"No...as you can witness." Javik replied, "If not for you Shepard, this Cycle would have lost a long time ago. As I had said...conforming to the wishes of others will not defeat the reapers."

"Maybe I should've listened to you..." Shepard agreed to the concern of Liara and Ashley, "Because from this point on...the bullshit that I've been tolerating stops here! No one else dies because of some idiot's stupidity and if the Council or anyone else doesn't like it? They can wait for the reapers to take them for all I care! I'm not losing another one of you to their stupidity! I'm not going to get on my knees and beg them to help stop the reapers! They can either help or they can die!"

"Isn't that redundant at this point? Everyone knows that the reapers are real-"

"But there are people who think that they can sit out the war...and fiddle their fingers as the galaxy burns." Shepard stated to Miranda, "Like the salarians...the council...Cerberus...or even the quarians. I'll probably take some extreme actions to ensure that this war is finished...if you've got a problem with that then I'll drop you off at the planet of your choice and wish you the best of luck-"

"AND MISS THE FIGHT? HELL NO!" Grunt smashed his fist on the table and smashed it into two ugly and uneven halves, "If I didn't wanna be in the fight...then I would've gone back to Tuchunka when Wrex ordered me. He'll probably try to pull open my skull when we're done with the reapers, but until then...I'm with you, Battlemaster."

"We all are Shepard or else we wouldn't have come back after the Omega Run." Garrus joined in, "You remember that right? The mission where we followed you to a base next to a black hole and had the giant proto-reaper that you nuked to kill?"

"Thank you...I'll take EDI's advice and retire..." Shepard took one last look at his squad and gave a simple nod to them before leaving, "Garrus! You've got the comm!"

"As usual..." Garrus signed as the squad broke up their impromptu meeting, leaving him with Javik, Liara, James, Miranda and Ashley, "See? No where near as bad as we all thought he would."

"That's a lie and you know it..." Liara stated, looking over a datapad detailing their previous mission, "He's barely keeping a lid on how he really feels."

"Good, he is saving it for the Reapers."

"Or the Council...or even the Illusive Man." James suggested, arms crossed over his chest which earned slight attention from Miranda, "Loco's been fighting this war by himself for three years...and everyone's been doing nothing but push him down the hill-"

"And you were on the Omega Run? Vega?" Miranda neutrally inquired, "Don't forget that I brought him back when the galaxy had given up and left him for dead."

"He was dead Miranda, Cerberus bringing him back was an honest surprise."

"Noted."

"Cerberus...speaking of no one listening to you..." Ashley muttered and then shook head, "Nevermind...everyone sees it now."

"That Cerberus can't be trusted? Everyone knew that Ashley it's just that..." Liara hesitated and then continued, "Nobody trusted Shepard when it would have mattered...and now the galaxy is demanding Shepard to save them after ignoring him for so long...he is the tip of the offensive against the Reapers and it's wearing on him."

"The battle for Rannoch made him snap...it's almost worst than after Horizon." Garrus remarked and noted Ashley's frown, "Nothing personal...it's just the truth."

"What happened on Horizon?" James asked and Ashley brought her hand onto her forehead, "Wait...were you and Shepard-"

"Yeah...we were..." Ashley bitterly answered the Lieutenant, "But after Shepard came back...working for Cerberus...appearing to be betraying everything that we had stood for...and just saying hi after I had to mourn his death for two years...I lost it. I got angry and turned away from him in disgust...so he moved on."

"In my cycle, lovers who abandoned their enlisted partners were frowned upon and remained ineligible for marriage for the rest of their lives." Ashley just stared at the shameless prothean, "They were also forbidden from adoption or artificial insemination. An unloyal partner makes for an unproductive parent."

"So what about abusive partners?"

"It was rare and impossible to hide." Javik explained while holding up his hand and ran a finger on top of the table. He then grimiced in disgust, "This table was used as part of a mating dance...two humans...one quiet and nimble as a cat...the other well-built, self-content and waiting for a prize..."

"Yeah...I didn't think Jacob could blush until I walked in on them-"

"The point is, domestic abuse would have been detected by a mere brush on the shoulders and the offender would be heavily punished."

"Can't say that I disagree..." Ashley responded, "Is Shepard going to keep himself under control?"

"I think he's tired of keeping himself under control." Garrus commented, "Remember when he gunned down that human from his old gang on Earth?"

"Don't remind me..." Liara inhaled as she recalled the bloodied mess that Shepard had turned Finch into, "Whatever Shepard has been holding back...Tali's attempted suicide and her condition...changed him."

"Perhaps for the better." Javik suggested, "Wrath is a greater weapon against the Reapers than despair and denial."

* * *

**War Room**

"The Geth as our allies? We are in tough times..."

"Anderson, when weren't we in tough times?"

"Good point. Why didn't the quarians back down?"

"Who cares, they're dead and the geth want to help us." Shepard said to his career-long mentor, "I've already sent word to Hackett and he's agreed to allow their assistance. On the condition that they be monitored at all times by organic overseers."

"The Geth went along with this?"

"Its a security gesture, the geth have already aided the reapers twice before and they suggested it." Shepard clarified to the Admiral, "And it's only for the geth being sent to help with the Crucible. The rest will join the war front once they've resupplied and honored the fallen on Rannoch."

"I don't really understand what all is going on...but now the Reapers have one less weapon to use against us and we've got another ally." Anderson said as Shepard quietly nodded, "On a more personal note...how is Tali?"

"She's...taking it as well as you'd expect." Shepard answered bitterly, "She hates me Anderson...I saved her life and she hates me for it."

"Her people were wiped out before her eyes Shepard. Give her time...at least as much as you can afford."

"I've placed her on Suicide Watch to keep her from trying again."

"And what about you?"

"Honestly...I'm pissed...angry..." Shepard admitted and punched part of the wall to vent his frustration, "Why is that every time I do something for the better of everyone...someone fucks it up and has everyone suffer for it? I told the quarians that they would die if they fought...but they fought anyway...even with two of their admirals supporting me...I just...can't believe that I could do everything right and still fail."

"The failure isn't your's Shepard-"

"Yes it is...I promised Tali that I would help her people and now...they're dead...because I trusted others to do the right thing and they didn't..."

"I know the war's been hell...but don't lose yourself. Everyone needs you to finish this fight Shepard...as hard as it is...Earth needs you."

"If more people had listened to me sooner like you and Hackett did...not that it matters." The present was what was important, the past was gone and the future was unwritten, "I've received a message from the Asari Councilor on a mission that she wants me to complete. Something that will help find out about the Catalyst that the Crucible needs."

"Good luck to you Shepard, we'll hold the line until then." Shepard saluted the Admiral as Anderson returned the gesture, "Anderson out."

With that, Shepard left the War Room and entered the CIC hall. He motioned to Samantha before entering the elevator to his quarters and to a decent nap...

At least as decent as he could manage considering the circumstances.

* * *

**Med Lab**

"No sign of rejection from native blood cells...motor control remains clumsy, but workable...your arm is in order Tali." Chakwas said to the upright quarian. For the sake of modesty, Tali was given an N7 sweatshirt identical to the one that Shepard occasionally wore, "This may seem like I'm insulting your intelligence, but I must ask...how do you feel?"

"Apathetic...Cold...Alone..." Tali replied to Karen's concern, "A step up from before don't you think?"

"It's actually a step backwards..." Karen stated while entering information into her datapad, "You're in a heavy state of grief Tali...worst than when you were put on trial by your people and found out about your father's death."

"Kal'Reegar was more of a father than Rael'Zorah ever was..." Tali still remembered the nightmares of the quarian marine being stabbed by a Geth Colossi and turning into a husk, "What's the diagnosis doctor? Sedatives? Physical therapy?"

"Right now...the only diagnosis that I can offer is acceptance and closure." Chakwas stated and tapped the synthetic shoulder of tali's prosthetic, "All I can do is overlook your physical recovery from your suicide attempt...whatever emotional and psychological trauma that you're feeling is something that I can't fix."

"At least you're honest..." Tali replied and looked upon her reflection in a nearby mirror. A frowning, broken quarian woman stared back at her without any emotion in her eyes, "I can't live and yet no one on this ship will let me die..."

"You can live Tali...but I won't pretend that it will be easy." Chakwas soothed her hand on Tali's left shoulder to bring the quarian's attention to the doctor, "You may feel like you're alone, but you're not. You do have friends who care about you and love you...we'll do anything that we can to help you."

"Since none of you will let me die...there's nothing you can do to help me..." Tali's face hardened as she lied upon her bed and hugged her arms over her chest, "Are we done doctor? I'm feeling tired..."

"We're finished here Tali...EDI's watching and listening if you need anything or anyone."

"Understood..." Tali replied as Chakwas left the medlab and someone entered, "Visiting hours are closed."

"I'm not visiting...I'm on guard duty. Shepard gave me the comm." Garrus answered as he took a seat next to Tali, "If you want to sleep then go ahead, I'm just here to make sure that you don't try to choke yourself or something."

"Honestly Garrus..."

"I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now..." Garrus said in condolence while Tali merely listened, "This must be hard for you right now...and that's about all I know to say..."

"Thanks I guess..." Tali replied, "But no matter how much anyone wants me too...I won't ever get better...not from this..."

"We're not asking you to get better." Garrus countered, "No one ever gets better from watching their people die before their very eyes. Just ask Wrex or Javik...they'll tell you all about it."

"Maybe..." Despite her grief, Tali could remember the torment that Wrex and his people suffered before the Genophage was cured. She also remembered that Javik was the last living and free-minded prothean in the galaxy, "They could tell me about what to expect..."

"To be fair...Wrex's people aren't dead and Javik isn't exactly the best person for a prep talk..." Garrus briefly chuckled, "He also isn't a big fan of the geth at all...let alone synthetics."

"Maybe that's the worst part...I have no one to blame but...my people..." Tali admitted while tears sprinkled from her eyes, "Everything that Shepard told them...was true...they...we started this whole mess...we forced them to side with the reapers...and when we were given a chance for peace...we spat in their face and Shepard's...and then I..."

"Everyone makes mistakes Tali." Garrus assured Tali as she quietly wept for her people and for herself, "At least you weren't the one who got them killed...not that it makes anything any better..."

Seeing Tali like this reminded Garrus of his last days as Archangel...holed up, outgunned and outmatched by various gangs who had teamed up for the sole purpose of killing him. He had gathered a squad of his own to fight crime on Omega and they died on his watch...they died because he couldn't protect them...

In hindsight, it truly wasn't his fault. How could he have known that Sidonis would betray him? But it took a missile to his skull allow the turian to see reason once again. Before then, he felt like he had let all of his people die when he should have saved them. That was where Tali was...trapped within her own sorrow because she can't see how it wasn't her fault.

Because she didn't want to.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**The squad in this story will have three additions:**

**Padok Wiks joined after the Tuchunka Arc on Mordin's recommendation and deserted STG out of disgust for the Dalatress' attempt to sabotage the Genophage Cure. After Major Kirrahe gave his life to save him, the Salarian Councillor pardoned Wiks after the Citadel Attack and recommissioned him as STG's liason to Spectre Shepard.**

**Grunt stayed on the Normandy to recover from his injuries after Aralak Company was wiped out covering the escape of the freed Rachni Queen. After hearing about all of the battles that Shepard flies into the thick of, the krogan stayed aboard the Normandy to get some action. Wrex sent an email to Shepard that gave Grunt his permission to assist Shepard, but figured that Grunt didn't care.**

**Miranda joined after the Citadel Coup to better track Cerberus' actions and find her sister.**

**Shepard draws the line in the sand and the squad is a little mixed about it. Up until Rannoch, Shepard has been a mostly paragon character and now he's radically shifting his idealogy out of anger and grief for failing to save the quarians. This new idealogy named Renegon is going to conflict with some squadmates and even a few npcs, but he's not doing it out of spite. This a Shepard who has been pushed to his mental limits by an idiotic galaxy that seemed to ignore him at every turn and now he's realizing just how much collateral damage that this idiocy has caused thanks to Admiral Gerrel's own stupidity.**

**In short, expect heads to roll when he finds out about the prothean beacon which the asari have hid all this time.**

**Garrus as XO may seem somewhat random since he likes calibrating the Normandy's guns. An XO would ideally be someone who is familiar with both the crew and the ship so that he can act in the capacity of a commanding officer, not to mention needing decent leadership experience. So there is no canonical XO in ME3, I've decided to have Garrus fill that role in addition to Gunnery Officer.**

**Damian Shepard sees Garrus as a real brother after the Omega Run, Saren and being by his side from before he was a spectre, so I figured that it made sense for Shepard to make Garrus the Executive Officer when he's away or unavailable for various reasons.**

**Grunt's leadership experience is limited to combat, Javik would have half of the crew thrown out the airlock, Liara's already preoccupied as the Shadow Broker, Kaiden's dead in this story, Miranda is officially a "civilian advisor", and Ashley hasn't earned back Shepard's trust after Horizon, the Cerberus Paranoia and the Standoff during Udina's Citadel Insurrection.**


	3. Lakeview Breath

**Captain's Quarters**

"Shepard. We have docked with the Citadel." Groaning, Damian sat up in his bed and wiped his eyes, "Refueling and replenishment of supplies is in progress."

"Thank you EDI. Inform the crew that they're on shore leave until I've concluded business with Councillor Tevos."

"Understood Shepard." Damian yawned and stepped into the shower, allowing cold water to run down his scared body as the last dredges of sleep left his mind. He dreamed about that stupid kid again and he ran up to someone.

Tali.

Tali embraced the child as Shepard approached, but they were both set on fire. Shepard leapt for Tali and saved her...but her arm was gone and there was no life in her face. She just begged Shepard to let her die...and the shadows told him to listen...

Overhead, the wreckage of quarian ships fell upon the dead trees and caused the fire to fill with more oiled smoke. Figures emerged from the smoke bearing small lights in their eyes, asking Shepard the last question that Legion had ever asked.

"DAMN!" Shepard lashed out and a burst of biotic energy shattered the bathroom door. He collected himself and stormed out in time to see an old flame enter the cabin.

"Shepard..." A shocked Ashley muttered from a view that she hadn't seen in three years. For his part, Shepard stood in place and waited for Ashley to explain why she was there. Against his will, he was pleased that he could get a reaction from Ashley concerning his "Thresher Maw", "Sorry sir...I-"

"At ease Ash...it isn't anything that you haven't already seen." Shepard boredly wrapped a towel around his waist while Ashley composed herself, "What do you want?"

"I wanted to apologize about the other day..." Ashley started, "It was out of place and it was too soon after what happened to Tali and the quarians. Tali's like a sister to me and...I almost lost her..."

"Based on the doctor's reports...we might as well have..."

"You're giving up her-"

"She gave up on herself when she saw her people get blown out of the sky. It doesn't matter that they got themselves killed, but to Tali...that's not what matters..." Damian said halfway to Ashley and halfway to himself, "Until she pulls herself out of the ditch...I can only reach so far..."

"No one blames you for what happened, skipper. You did what you always do..." Ashley remarked, placing her hand on Shepard's back...where he happened to have a sensitive spot that only she and Tali would know about, "The right choice and it's never the easy choice."

"Don't I know it..." Shepard chuckled and walked over to the foot of his bed where his jacket lied sprawled on the footboard. Damian threw the jacket on and quickly changed into leather slacks as Ashley politely looked away, "Why else did you come here Williams?"

"What does the Council want?"

"Actually...I'm making a few recommendations to the council membership in light of The Coup, Rannoch, and Tuchunka." Shepard replied, "Councillor Tevos also wanted to talk to me about a top-secret matter regarding Thessia."

"And Thessia's about to be swamped by the reaper fleet..."

"Which means that this is likely something that we should've known about a long time ago." Shepard finished and brandished a scorpion pistol from under his bed, "If that's the case...I may feel like killing off another councilor."

"Shepard...the Council may not be the most helpful people, but that doesn't mean we should blow their heads open-"

"Don't act you never wanted to. I thought you didn't like politicians?"

"I don't...but everyone has their role." Ashley stated as Shepard shrugged, "Like them or not, the council is the central government of Citadel space. Remember what Vigil said on Illos? Past cycles were killed because the reapers killed their leaders before they even knew what was happening."

"I remember Vigil...that's why I saved those ungrateful bastards when Sovereign attacked..." Shepard reminded his fellow spectre with a grimace, "But when I think about...I might as well have let them die if this is how they'd respond."

"Shepard."

"Not that it matters..." Damian walked past Ashley and opened the elevator doors, "If it were a different council then the shitstorm wouldn't be as fun..."

"What shitstorm?"

"You'll see..."

"Shepard. Dr. Chakwas would like to speak with you in the Med Lab."

"On my way." Shepard responded when the elevator closed behind him and Ashley, "Hope I have some good news this time..."

"Don't hold your breath..."

"Too late."

* * *

**Med Lab**

"You know the Commander won't like this."

"I'm alive and I don't like it...Shepard can shove it for not wanting me to get out of this blasted room!" Tali half-shouted right as Shepard entered the lab, "Damian..."

"I heard you as I got off the lift. Glad to see you've gotten your voice back." A half-hearted smirk emerged on Tali's mouth, "All things considered...how are you feeling?"

"Dr. Chakwas says that I'm fully adapted to using Legion's arm." The synthetic arm flexed it's fingers as Tali spoke, "Physically I'm well...it's the emotional and psychological trauma that's the problem. But you know all about that."

"Is there anything that I can do to help?"

"EDI announced that we've docked in the Citadel. I want out of this room Shepard...that's a start..." Tali stated as concern crossed the Commander's face, "I'm not...I'm not going to throw myself through a window. But if I stay in this room any longer-"

"Keeping her on medical watch won't improve her condition Commander." Chakwas joined in, "A chance to freely roam may allow her time to her emotions, clear out the clutter in her mind and some exercise for her legs."

"Is that a doctor's recommendation?"

"Yes."

"This won't be a long visit, once I'm done talking to the Council we're leaving." Shepard explained to grateful quarian, "Get dressed Miss Vas Normandy."

"Sure thing...Shepard..." As Shepard smiled and nodded to leave, Tali's mood sunk from what he had called her, "Vas...Normandy..."

"Tali?"

"Vas Normandy...a sign to my people that I'm part of the Normandy crew..." Tali said to herself, "Shepard didn't mean anything by it...but it...hurts..."

"You're still a member of the crew Tali. Nothing has changed that." Chakwas assured before placing a bundle of clothes on Tali's bed, "That jacket is nice, but surely you're not going to use it by itself?"

"Shepard wouldn't mind..." Tali commented with a light chuckle, "But...I see your point..."

* * *

**Alliance Embassy, Citadel**

"Councillor Osoba." Shepard as he took and shook the Councillor's hand, "I'm surprised to see you here."

"After everything that you're doing for our galaxy, it was only fitting to greet you in person." The Councillor replied and noted Shepard's nearby crew, "You're all heroes as far as I am concerned."

"We're all heroes." Shepard reminded the Councillor, "Heroes are just people who do their part."

"I know..." The memory of Bilal still haunted the Councillor and Shepard couldn't blame him. Osoba wore his son's tags around his neck, a reminder of the sacrifices made in this war. Bilal had been part of an N7 squad sent behind enemy lines to recover intel on Cerberus movements. Cerberus pinned down the team, but Bilal sacrificed himself to save the team and allow them to escape. The squad returned from their mission on Benning without him, and were too ashamed to look the Ambassador in the eye when he questioned them.

After Shepard recovered Bilal's dog tags from Benning and returned them to the Ambassador, both Osoba and the squad were able to find closure and began to move forward despite their grief. Osoba's unhesitant acceptance of acting as the Alliance Councillor after Udina's betrayal and death was a testament to his strength. Which was something that the galaxy would need in the days to come.

"How's the job treating you?"

"Initially the other councilors didn't even trust me...after Udina, I'm not surprised...yet-"

"It's a pain in the ass?"

"Oh yes. I'm starting to see why Anderson left the post." Osoba replied while looking out the balcony onto the presidium below, "But someone has to be the voice of reason. Tevos seems to be overwhelmed by news of the invasion at Thessia and Sparatus is occupied with arguing with the Primarch."

"Valern?"

"He keeps to himself most of the time, but he has been helpful. In short, I've had to figure out my job completely on my own."

"You couldn't do worst than Udina."

"True enough...but let's get the point." Of course Osoba would want to inquire about Shepard's proposal to the Council, a proposal that Shepard wanted him to risk his reputation and career to endorse, "Is it true? About Rannoch and the Geth?"

"Yes Councillor...it's true."

"Hackett already told me about all of it...but..." Osoba exhaled while rubbing his wearied forehead, "The Geth destroyed the entire Quarian race...and now they're helping us against the reapers."

"As my reports will show-"

"I've read your recent report Commander...the Geth were being controlled by the reapers and when the reaper on Rannoch was killed you attempted to broker peace between them."

"The Quarians refused to cease fire and Geth retaliated after repairing their neutral network." Shepard finished, "I'm sorry that it ended that way, but it did and we have a galaxy that we need to save."

"I know Commander, but the other Councillors are not happy about your recommendations." Osoba reported while reading a datapad on his desk, "Of course, Valern is in full support out of gratitude for you assistance during Udina's Coup and Sparatus will only offer neutral objection at best in light of Tuchunka."

"Tevos?"

"I'm not sure...she's kept to herself outside of meetings after the reapers began advancing into Asari Space."

"Not surprised..." Shepard's eyes closed and brought him back to that moment Lesuss where he gunned down a tearful Falere. A cruel action born to prevent her from being captured by the reapers and turned into an Banshee like other ardat-yakshi across the galaxy, "Do you know about what she wanted to talk to me about?"

"She contacted you?"

"It really is that personal..." Shepard said to himself, "Nevermind though, I'll walk you to the Tower."

"Thank you Commander."

* * *

**Presidium Wards**

"Haven't seen a suit rat around here for weeks..." She apathetically bumped into the salarian who repeated the gossip and was ignored after a brief moment, "The hell is her problem?"

"My people are dead you bos'tet..." Tali muttered to herself, the hood of her jacket obscuring her face while she strolled through the Citadel. Underneath the jacket she wore a simple halter top with a skirt that ran down to her knees and had two slits on each side. She also wore dark tights over her legs and over her left arm. Fortunately, most people were used to seeing quarians with their suits, which made it easy for Tali to pass for a human adopted a loose adaptation of an old human religion.

Though this would be rare to see on the Citadel, it was much more common then seeing a quarian without a mask.

In fact, Tali may very well be the only quarian in that station.

No matter how much she tried, Tali couldn't pull her thoughts away from what had happened on Rannoch. The screams of her people, the ships of the fleet falling into the seas of their homeworld, Koris' death at the hands of Gerrel's supporters...

Who cared about why her people were gone? They were dead.

What would she do now?

She found a bench and sat down, gaining a beautiful view of the Presidium Lake. A few families were playing nearby and already smiling as though the war were a distant memory. Tali knew why. It was because despite the bleakness of this situation, they were not alone. They had each other and after the war, that family would have a future. They had a hope that expanded beyond the war.

Tali now had nothing.

Everything that she had done was done for the sake of her people. Not that she didn't want to help Shepard against Sovereign, the Collectors or the Reapers, but she would be lying if she said that her people were not her primary concern. In fact, she changed her mind about the Geth not because she befriended Legion or grew to understand them...but because peace was best for her people.

They thought otherwise and left her behind.

Shepard would complete the Crucible and destroy the Reapers, Tali had no doubt about that. He would then help rebuild the galaxy, tell stories about his adventures, inspire a new generation and retire to live off the royalties. Garrus' plan was the along the same lines. Miranda would live with her sister. Ashley had her family. Grunt would fulfill an ever-building list of breeding requests and spoil his many children. Padok would return to STG. Liara would remain as the Shadow Broker. EDI and Joker would remain together. James would finish his tour of duty.

With the events on Rannoch, Tali was now in the same class as Javik.

"Look mommy! A prothean!" Tali looked up to see the Prothean Commander look down at the human and turian children who giddily jumped up and down in front of him, "Are you really a prothean?"

"Have you ever seen a prothean?"

"No."

"Then how do you know that I am a prothean?" Javik inquired, "Why do you pester me and jump up and down like hungry dogs?"

"We're just excited mister...aren't you gonna beat the reapers?"

"I was trained all my life to fight the reapers since I was your age." Javik answered the awed turian child, "But no...I will not beat the reapers."

"I thought-"

"I will destroy them and use the broken pieces of their hull to build a temple erected in honor of their defeat and humiliation!" Javik declared to the excitement of the growing crowd of children, "And before you ask, no you cannot help me. It is not necessary."

"How did you know that I was gonna ask?"

"You just told me." Tali chuckled from Javik's stern reply to the pig-tailed girl, "If you truly wish to help, then ask your parents."

"Yay!" The children called as they dispersed from Javik who surprisingly chuckled and quickly marched away from the pond before the children could return, "Annoyance..."

"They're only children..." Tali replied, revealing her presence to the apathetic prothean, "You liked them..."

"They are only curious, it is...refreshing to see children act as children." Javik admitted, "In my cycle, soldiers began training from as young as five. Faced with the reapers, we had no time to afford for them to maintain their "innocence."

"I can't imagine how hard it was for you."

"You fought or you died, there were no other options." Javik stated while looking around at the Presidium, "My first battle was as the rearguard of a retreat from the world of my birth. The planet was set aflame by the reapers and many of the remaining ships of the Imperial Fleet. My task was to stall reaper forces long enough for personnel to evacuate the planet. More often then not, I did not kill reaper troops...I slew...my own people."

"Indoctrinated protheans?"

"Some of them...we were ordered to shoot any others to be safe."

"Javik..."

"Many sacrifices had to be made for the remnant of the empire...and in the end...I am all that was left." Javik groaned while squatting down and touching the paved sidewalk, "The keepers of this citadel are ever thorough...there is no trace of my people in this facility."

"What about that?" Tali asked, pointing out the Mass Relay Replica in the Presidium, "That trace allowed for us to be here."

"Yes...the Commander told me about the Counduit." Javik remarked, "To think that more of my people survived and gave their lives for this cycle to have a chance against the reapers..."

"Not that we've made the best of it-"

"What does it matter? This cycle still stands and fights, the chance remains." Javik replied, "Your people may have doomed themselves, but the rest of the galaxy still fights."

"Good for them."

"You presume to no longer fight this war? Or do you believe that the reapers will pity you and leave you as the sole survivor of your species?" Javik asked while Tali grew quiet, "If you wish to remain here and do nothing against the reapers, that is your choice. But don't poison your Commander with your grief and despair."

"What is like for you then? To be the last prothean?" Tali inquired as Javik biotically lifted her from the bench and pulled her into his grip, "To know that...nothing you do will change that?"

"What does it matter? I am alive."

"But you're alone."

"What does that matter? You believe because we are the last of our species' that I will pity you? You are wrong." Javik dropped Tali on her feet and pointed to the monument, "Because my people's war against the reapers will continue as long as there is one prothean left to wage it."

"And after the reapers are gone-"

"They are not gone yet, the future will be dealt with in the future." Javik answered as Tali slumped onto her knees, "Is that it? The stupidity of your people has not only robbed you of their life, but it has also taken away any reason that you had to fight?"

"What am I supposed to do? Act like it doesn't hurt? Bullshit!" Tali shouted at the prothean, "I'm not like you Javik! You think that I'm trying to justify what my people did? They were stupid and now they're dead! But what about me? At least you still have an enemy to focus your grief on! The reapers destroyed your people and now you want to avenge them! I don't have that luxery...because my people were wrong! I've already ran through a hundred excuses and they all lead to the same conclusion...my people started the Morning War and they created the situation that killed them!"

"They had a clear alternative to war and choose it anyway..." Tears flowed down the quarian's face while Javik quietly crossed his arms over his chest, "I did everything that I could to save my people and when they killed themselves...they took one last shit in my face...I don't know what I'm supposed to do now..."

"Remove yourself from the crew and leave yourself to your own grief."

"Maybe I should..."

"Then do it." Javik brushed a tear from Tali's eye while his features seemed to soften if only a little, "Mourn your people or fight the reapers...the one you call Harbinger will not care for your tears."

_"Quarian; considered due to cybernetic augmentation, weakened immune system too debilitating."_

"Leave me alone..."

"So you can throw yourself into the lake?" That plan destroyed, Tali sat back on the bench while Javik shook his head, "The Commander and his attachment to you...confuses me."

"Me too..." Tali agreed, "Can't you just throw me out the airlock?"

"In my cycle, suicide brought lasting dishonor upon your family and regiment that you served with."

"Here I thought we could make each other happy..."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Hey everyone!**

**In light of Rannoch and after much soul-searching, Shepard is about to undertake a very unpopular action to better solidify Citadel Space to battle the reapers. More details will be told in the next chapter, but I warn that it will be polarizing for characters and readers.**

**And remember, the recommendations are still just spectre recommendations that require Council approval. How Shepard gets this approval for these recommendations won't exactly win him too many friends.**

**This next chapter will also firmly entrench Shepard in Renegon territory due to his treatment of both the council and a few characters. So, you've been warned.**


	4. Change of Council

**Presidium Commons**

"Keep it easy on the ale Liara."

"I know my limit, James. And I'm well past it..." Liara laughed before she nearly dropped the glass of salarian ale, "I've never understood why people drown themselves with this poison. Yet...this isn't the first time that I've drank it."

"Did you go heavy when your mom died? Or Shepard?"

"Actually...it was after I turned over Shepard's body to Cerberus." Liara answered, "I practically became an alcoholic...by the time Shepard helped me track down the previous Shadow Broker...I had only been dry for two months."

"You as a Guzzler? I can see you as a lot of things ma'am..." James chuckled while Liara put down the glass, "You're always in control and with your job, you'd need to be calm to keep the numbers right...no?"

"So they say...the benefit of my job is that only a select few individuals know the truth about my profession." Even though the whole squad knew of Liara's identity as the Shadow Broker, they generally avoided referring to her as said title in public, "I'm much more emotional than I would like to admit. If any of my agents saw how I acted when I learned about Feros..."

"Everyone needs to cry sometime..."

"And then there's Rannoch..." James himself felt a little heavier from the mention of Rannoch. Not just because of the loss of an entire race, but because of the state that it left Tali in and the demon that it brought out of Shepard, "It didn't have to end the way that it did."

"Maybe not..."

"Perhaps if we had gotten to Rannoch before dealing with the coup-"

"Then the reapers would use Cerberus to take control of the Citadel, kill the council and the galaxy would be sitting ducks like in past cycles." James soothed the asari's face and gently took the glass out of her hand, "What happened on Rannoch wasn't your fault. Sometimes stupid people make stupid decisions...and good people suffer the mess."

"I know...I just hope that we never face a situation like that again."

"Don't worry, Loco's on fire...he's not gonna let stupid people screw up the galaxy's chances to live."

"I know...he told me what about his proposal."

"It's gonna cause a shit storm or something?"

"If I know Shepard...the shit storm already started."

* * *

**Council Tower**

Standing before the Council, Damian watched as the dominoes that he'd set off all fell into foreseen places.

He knew that the dogs would want to rip off his head as soon as the Council received his recommendations to the Council. It was an old power which was buried under politics, but he didn't sit idly while in Alliance Custody.

Emergency Order 783 was a emergency power granted to any spectre who enacts it in situations where the Council has been vacated of most if not all members or where the Council is unable to act in response to a crisis in Citadel Space. This power grants a spectre of considerable reputation and executive influence to recommend additional seats to the Council. Technically, Shepard used this to appoint Anderson without really knowing about it and could have created a new council if the assembly before had perished against Sovereign.

As a check and balance, the Council must approve of the recommendations with a majority vote. But thanks to his actions, Shepard had already succeeded in 2/3rd's of his intentions. Which meant the last part would be...

Difficult.

"The appointment of the volus and the krogan to the council are unorthodox, but agreeable." The Asari Councilor stated while looking towards the other Council members, "But the Geth? That is unacceptable!"

"I have to agree Shepard." The Turian Councilor joined in, "The Geth are responsible for the genocide of an entire species; Have engaged in open hostilities against Citadel Space; and sided with the reapers. Accepting them as allies is hard enough or even granting them an embassy would be a challenge. But a representative on the Council?"

"You've read my dissertation about the Battle for Rannoch. The Quarians started the war and the Geth finished it. They sided with the reapers out of desperation to preserve themselves." Shepard responded, "Besides, the Geth that were working for Sovereign were a small minority that broke off since they worshipped the reapers."

"And how can we guarantee that the rest don't do so themselves?"

"You'll have to take my word for it."

"With respect Shepard...you're word is under question as of late-"

"Aren't you only alive because I stopped Cerberus' Coup and saved your life?" Shepard asked the Salarian Councilor while mentally correcting himself, _"It was actually Kirrahe who saved your life. But that would ruin the plan...sorry Major..."_

"And I am grateful for that...but that doesn't make this move any less audacious or risky." The Councilor more cautiously added, "Vouch for them however you want, it won't change their past. It also won't change that they're machines-"

"Machines with an in-depth knowledge of how the reapers think thanks to the Heratics that were rewritten to join the collective."

"How do we know that the reapers won't rewrite them to become our enemy?"

"The Geth fight for their own future like we do. They've already taken steps to ensure that they'll never be controlled by the reapers."

"Only so many precautions can be taken against Indoctrination-"

"Yeah. I know that more than any of you."

"How can you poster like this when Palaven is being set ablaze by the reapers!"

"You dare attempt to discredit my authority as a councilor while Thessia is beset by the reapers?"

"Ah yes, reapers." Shepard used his hands to air-quote as he said those three words, "An immortal race of sentient starships alledgedly waiting in dark space. Didn't you dismiss that claim?"

"Shepard-"

"And because you dismissed those claims...billions are dead and we're on the ropes!" Shepard accused, "So you don't get to pass judgement on my decisions! I'm not asking you if you can appoint those representatives onto the Council...I'm telling that they're on the Council! Because after seeing how badly you've messed up for the past few years, I'm not going to trust the grand bulk of the allied forces under the control of a Council that's done everything that they could to impede or ignore me ever since Saren attacked Eden Prime!"

"If you expect us to go along with your little scheme-"

"Who said that you had a choice?" Shepard blunted, "I'm the only reason that any of you are alive today and the only reason why we have a chance in this war. Besides, my decision holds majority anyway. You approved of the Volus and Krogan ambassadors who will approve the appointment of the Geth representative, as will Councillor Osoba and Valern."

"Do not presume to speak for elected officials Shepard-"

"Your right, I can speak for myself." The holo-image of Urdnot Dagg boomed through the hall, "I don't care much about the geth myself. But Shepard's done more for my people then any of you ever have. As ambassador of my people, I say let the flash-lights in."

"Shepard has allowed my people to have a voice that they should have had many years ago." The image of Din Korlack appeared next to Dagg's, "His judgement has saved our galaxy many times despite their price. If the price is not greater than extermination by the reapers then we will stand by this one."

"Despite my apprehensions...I agree with Shepard's reasoning." Valern hesitantly said to the apparent disapproval of his peers, "Personally, I don't have quite as much faith in the geth as the Commander. But Shepard is our only hope and if he believes this can improve our chances against the reapers...so be it."

"I have lost friends and family to the geth, but they are not the enemy right now." Osoba joined in, "Our homeworlds are ablazed with millions being drawn into some horrid harvest. As some on earth would say, is now the time to be petty and picky?"

"Well...that's four against two." Shepard remarked to Tevos and Sparatus, "Go ahead and try to say that their appointments aren't official and therefore it's a tie...we both know that you would be stalling. In any case, Emergency Order 783 is in effect anyway."

"Shepard...your tenacity for complicating matters-"

"Hasn't that been your job for the past three years?" Reputation be damned, Shepard wasn't going to play nice with the Council this time. Now he was deliberately opening wounds that the Council had believed to be well bandaged. True, installing the Geth on the Council would be a blow to his reputation in the eyes of the people. But Damian considered it a minor price to pay compared to his failures on Rannoch or his failure in not confronting the Council sooner.

"Shepard-"

"Chatting with you has been fun, but I should go."

"We have not adjourned this meeting!"

"Fine, get the new councilors up to speed on the politics of the Citadel and how they can fit in." Shepard didn't turn back as he proceeded to exit the Council Chambers, a smirk on his face from the loud mixture of cheers and outrage that he heard from those observing the proceedings.

* * *

**Docking Bay Waiting Lounge**

"Can you believe what Shepard did?"

"Putting the Krogan and the Geth on the Council? He might as well hand the galaxy over to the reapers now!"

"Jim...the only reason any of us are alive is because of Shepard. We should give him a benefit of a doubt."

"Guess so...but if a bucket head shoots you in the back, don't say that I didn't warn you."

"How's he gonna do that? He'll be dead right?" Joker pointed out to the group of security guards that were sharing recent gossip with each other, "So what's the juicy news around the Citadel?"

"You haven't heard Joker?"

"My girl's gotta a nice ass...I got distracted..."

"Wish I had an ass of my own..."

"You do, everyone as an ass."

"That's not what I meant!"

"Yeah...yeah...Shep'll probably want us on the Normandy soon...so get going while you're ahead." The guards saluted Joker before they went off and left Joker with a quiet woman leaning on the balcony, "Like the view?"

"You're not going to make a joke?"

"Let's see...about your tightsuit fetish or the fact that a quarian is walking around without a mask without being mobbed by xenophiles who'd die from smelling your hair?" Tali actually found herself chuckling a little, "See? I wasn't even trying."

"Isn't that why they call you Joker?"

"Actually it was a nickname that stuck...not my choice...but look where I am now."

"Where is EDI?"

"She went out shopping, I stopped asking for what exactly a while ago. But every now and then she surprises me..."

"Good for the two of you..."

"Um...thanks..." Tali expected Joker to be put off by her words and braced herself for him to be himself, "I knew you and Legion were close-"

"Using his arm as a prosthetic can make two people close no?"

"Guess so..." Joker awkwardly replied as though thinking of something to say, "Look...I know it won't make anything better, but I want you to know that I'm sorry about your people. If you ever need anything from me or EDI...short from dying...let us know."

"I only tried to commit suicide once and I'm the suicide girl..."

"No one's freaked out...okay...they are...but in a good way."

"A good way?" Of course, Tali was the only one who wanted to be with her people in oblivion, "They pity me-"

"Pity you? Oh no...my instructors pitied me...Illusive Man pitied me...my mom pitied me...if anyone knows anything about pity...that's me." Joker cut in and used a nearby computer to search through the databases for recent arrivals, "Shepard cares...about me and really cares about you...how he was after Rannoch...it was worst than Horizon..."

"I don't think Ash would approve of all these Horizon comments-"

"I watched Collectors board my ship and capture my friends to make into orange juice while she turned her back on us. Ash can kiss my ass on the Horizon comments." Joker stated when he finally found the planet of origin that he was looking for, "But it's worst than that...he had you...now he's about as bad as when we lost Kaidan on Virmire."

"He's disappointed that you tried to kill yourself, if it were any other circumstance...I'd understand...Damn it!"

"What are you looking for?"

"I can kind of relate to how you feel..." Joker managed while rubbing his eyelids, "When the reapers attacked...all contact was lost with a small colony called Tiptree. It had a population of less than a hundred though...so no big deal right? For anyone else...that's true..."

"You had family on Tiptree?"

"My sister and father...that's where I was born." Joker replied, "There's been word from the system since the reapers got there...and with what I know about reapers firsthand...they're probably dead..."

"At least you have hope-"

"If I've got hope then so do you..."

"You have EDI and the Normandy and Shepard..."

"Last I checked...you were still part of the squad. I never heard Shepard demand you to leave the ship like he did with Allers or tell Prothy to throw you out the airlock." Tali giggled again, "I'm not gonna pretend to be expert on grief or "getting over the mass genocide of your entire race". But you've still got us...you're one of the family Tali and we just want whats best for you."

"So I am being a selfish cunt..."

"I wouldn't as far as to call you a cunt...but the suicide attempt wasn't one of your better decisions."

"Where would I start? I'm not getting better anytime soon..."

"If I were you...I'd try to patch things up with Shepard...preferably after the heat from his Council meeting blows over a bit..."

* * *

**Crew Lounge, Normandy**

"YOU PUT THE GETH ON THE COUNCIL?"

_"Now I see what Joker was talking about..." _Tali quietly thought to herself, _"I wouldn't do it...but...it's not like I can trust myself right now..."_

"And I thought the shitstorm was over..." Miranda mumbled as she and the other squadmates all listened to Shepard and Ashley loudly argue in the Starboard Observation Deck, "Or is she the only one bold enough to voice her objection?"

"The Volus on the same level as the Krogan? Great joke Shepard..." Grunt chuckled and chomped down a fish that he'd grabbed from the Presidium Lake.

"I've only been skimming the networks for a few minutes and the reaction to Shepard's appointment...is mixed...at best." Liara didn't bother going into details, but suffice to say that news of a Geth Councillor was heavily affecting morale in Council Space, "He couldn't have done this without knowing what it would cause..."

"Of course not...Shepard wanted to mold the Council into something that won't hinder him in the War against the Reapers." Garrus laxly explained, "Look at them...the only one who dared object to Shepard were the Asari and Turian Councilors...the other councilors were on Shepard's side out of obligation or because they owed him or they just knew when to keep their mouth shut. The Council's taken some heavy hits in it's reputation after they brushed aside reaper investigation efforts after Sovereign."

"Loco's rubbing salt into the wound then? Harsh..."

"In my cycle, a failure to prepare for a coming battle was met with much worst repercussions."

"In your cycle, you blew up an entire star system to destroy an indoctrinated race."

"And your people ate flies." Padok's expression was unreadable after Javik's statement. The STG captain groaned and took another drink from his cannister, "I approve of the Commander's seizure of power...but not of his alliance with the machines."

"In these desperate times, we cannot be judgemental of our allies. We do not have that luxury."

"Your people appear to believe otherwise." Javik reminded Padok as Shepard stormed into the lounge followed by Ashley, "Commander."

"Anyone else wanna bitch about the geth?" Shepard inquired to his squad, "We need their power and abilities to be used in the highest capacity possible. Got a problem with it? Write it in an email and send it to my office, cause I don't want to hear anymore bitching!"

"You just put an AI on the Council Shepard! No offense to EDI, but that's going to make things worse-"

"Based on what we're going after, I can't fuck up anymore than the Council already has!" Shepard yelled into Ashley's face to her silent challenge and to the crew's surprise. Damian shook his head and turned back to address the rest of the squad, "We're going to Thessia to recover a Prothean Device...one that will help us figure out what the Catalyst is and how to use the Crucible to defeat the reapers."

"Thessia is under attack..." Liara pointed out as her omni-tool replayed frantic warnings from asari officials that were quickly cut off by communication failure or screams of pain and terror, "Why wouldn't the Republic tell the Council about this sooner?"

"Hoarding a prothean beacon is forbidden in Citadel space, isn't it?" Miranda reminded the group, "If the leading race of the Council is revealed to have kept a prothean beacon secret...the political ramifications would likely decrease their standing amongst the Citadel races."

"Politics..." Ashley spat, "You sure that this beacon is worth entering the eye of the storm for?"

"The Councilor wouldn't have told me in private otherwise." Shepard answered, "Joker...set a course for Thessia in the Parnitha System!"

"Aye ye Commander! So you want to go light speed or ludicrous speed?"

"As close to ludicrous as you can get."Shepard replied with a light smile that quickly turned into a focused frown, "Whatever is on Thessia needs to be retrieved before the Reapers overwhelm the planet's defenses. If it will help us complete the Crucible then all the better and then I'll have a chat with the Councilor."

_"Even our own allies have their own agenda..."_ The Councilor's words repeated in Shepard's mind like a tick biting the sole of his foot, _"A balance of power exists in the galaxy that we don't wish to upset..."_

"Shepard?" Damian was completely surprised to see Tali's hand wave in his distracted face. He jumped startled, earning a humored chuckle from the rest of the squad, "You looked like you had blanked out for a second."

"I didn't even know you were out of your room..."

"I didn't want to miss the squad meeting."

"No...it's just..." Tali slowly caressed Shepard's arm and returned to her spot at the table while the Commander regained his composure, "Sorry everyone...I guess I'm still a little livid from the Council Meeting and the damned politicians..."

"You should be used to it, you're one of them after all." Ashley commented, "Working with the Geth is one thing...but rewarding them with authority after they've committed mass genocide and worked with the reapers? This is gonna bite us in the ass-"

"If you don't like it then you can leave at next port." Shepard declared to the shock of some squadmates, "Are we going to have any problems Lieutenant Commander?"

"No Skipper...we won't..."

"Good...you're all dismissed. Check your armor and ammo, once we enter the Parnitha System then we'll have to move fast." Shepard stated to the crew and turned to head for the elevator. However, a pale-grey blur had slid through the doors before they closed and pinned Shepard to the other side, "Tali?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**The line depends into a trench.**

**While Tali and Shepard attempt to move forward from Rannoch, other crew members are beginning to reevaluate their efforts in light of the stark tragedy. Will the squad manage to remain as tightly bonded as before the tragic end of the Morning Conflict or will Shepard's actions cause old wounds to reopen and division to spread?**

**After her little "pep-talk" with Javik, I felt like Tali should have a poignant but lighter conversation with someone who isn't quite as harsh. Since she'd already talked to Garrus back in Chapter 2, Joker popped up in my mind and I thought, I haven't had him do anything meaningful in the story yet. So why not?**

**What will happen between Tali and Shepard? I have no idea to be honest...**


End file.
